Quick- Are you a Wife or a Mother?

That was the question emblazoned across the cover of a women’s magazine as I stood in line at the grocery store.

It was years ago. I was already a wife, but not yet a mother. And this headline made me recoil.

I suspect the story attached to that title was a well-meaning article reminding us not to ignore our husbands when we get all wrapped up in our kids’ needs. It’s a valid point: you’ll still (hopefully) be married to this man long after your kids have grown up and moved out, so it’s a good idea to make sure you don’t become strangers.

But I guess what made me bristle at that headline was the implication that those two roles are battling it out to be your defining identity. And I think it was fear of exactly that which led me to wait so long to become a mother.

I didn’t want to lose me.

My grandmother was Mrs. [Insert Your Husband’s First and Last Name Here] even when she was in Ladies’ Clubs or doing something that did not involve my grandfather. In fact, her social security number was his social security number with a “D” on the end, which stood for “dependent”!

Who was she before she became someone’s wife and someone’s mother?

I think it’s great to be proud of your husband and your kids. I don’t, however, want to discover, a decade or two from now, that I’m living through them.

Do I embrace the Wife/Mother label? Sure!

In the beginning they need you so completely to survive [I’m talking about kids now, not husbands-ha!] that your worlds and time are, by necessity, inseparable. We have to accept that there is no “me”- there is only “we”. Maybe that’s why we get 9 months of pregnancy for that fact to become real to us. (That’s one more reason my friends who became moms by way of adoption are so incredible– they had to jump into the job head first- no wading!)

But…then what? Your child spends the next 18 years becoming more and more independent. Most folks wouldn’t argue that some time between birth and when kids leave for college, their mom should start having some of her own life, hobbies, interests, and identity again. The question is: exactly how and when does that happen?

Even as I write this blog post I feel guilty taking any time for myself, when my to-do list is never-ending… but that’s kinda the point here, isn’t it?

Why are spiritual nourishment and personal renewal things I consider optional? Selfish? Only allowed during “me” time- of which there isn’t any? Neglecting these things for too long can be not just discouraging, but soul-crushing.

What might be worse, though, is the possibility that we just slowly accept this neglect as the new normal and never find a way to stake claim to our pre-mom identities. There will always be needs to fill the whole day, and our own personal needs get pushed to the bottom of the list over and over again.

Back when I was running my own small business, with employees and customers to take care of, my mother once gave me this advice: “You have to take the time you need for yourself, because no one is going to give it to you.”

I think as a mom she knew that fact all too well.

So back to the original question: Are you a wife or a mother?

I remember responding in my head that day: Neither! I’m Amy. And I’m left-handed and I like marzipan and I have a cat and I’m a ballet dancer, and… (you have your own list, so I won’t bore you with mine. You get the picture.)

Don’t get me wrong. I love being a wife and mother. As women I think we tend to define ourselves by the quality of our personal relationships. And they are important. But it’s okay– more than okay, necessary– to invest some time and energy in the things that define us outside of these roles of wife and mother.

And I want my son to grow up knowing and respecting a happy, talented, well-rounded mother. His ideas about women and how he will treat them start with me, after all.